Thursday, July 2, 2009

So this is love

I know what love is. I'm lucky enough to be married to the most wonderful man in the world, who I love more than words can describe. And I'm lucky enough to know his love, which actually borders on adoration. So I know what love is. Or at least I thought I did. But becoming a mommy has shown me that there is an entirely different realm of love in this world.

While I was pregnant I was very hesitant to get too attached to the babies growing inside me because I was terrified of losing them. I spent a lot of time worrying about whether I would love them when they were born. I was afraid I would have problems bonding with them or that I wouldn't feel what I was supposed to feel when I looked at them.

I can happily say that those worries were all for nothing. The moment I laid eyes on Lily, the first baby I got to see when I came out of the recovery room after my c-section, I fell in love, a love like nothing I'd ever known. That was probably the greatest moment of my life - seeing my tiny daughter for the first time. I knew in an instant that I would gladly throw myself in front of a bus is it meant she would never have to feel an ounce of pain in her entire life. I felt the same way when I looked at Charlie and Annaleigh. Now I am just constantly overwhelmed by how much I love them all. I don't even really know how to handle the emotions. I think about them and I cry. I look at them and I cry. I can't imagine my life without them and they've only been here for 4+ days. And I feel incredibly lucky that Joe shares my emotions. Sometimes we'll be sitting here in our hospital room, reading or watching TV, and one of us will just say, "I love our babies" and we'll both start to cry. There have been a LOT of tears shed here at St. Peter's since Saturday evening!

One thing that has always stuck with me is something my friend Kathy said the day I met her 3 years ago. We were in Body Attack training together at the gym and she was showing me a picture of her then 1 year-old son, Tommy. She gazed at the picture and said, "And I thought I loved my husband..." I never forgot that statement for some reason, and now I know exactly what she meant. I love my husband with all my heart. But the love for my children is just something so different and amazing that I now feel whole. So stay strong Charlie, Annaleigh and Lily. Mommy and Daddy need you. And boy do we love you.

12 comments:

Jeff and Kerry said...

Wow, I couldn't have said it better myself. I don't think any expecting mom (or dad for that matter) is prepared for the kind of emotions that having children will bring. I still look at our boys every single day, still not believing that they are ours and we don't have to give them back. And the love I feel for both of them, and the love for my husband that has been intensified by about a million gazillion...well...I just can't put it into words. I'm so glad you are feeling this too - you both deserve it so much.

Tiffany said...

Beautifully written. I too am looking forward to this new kind of love, and I know what you mean about trying not to get too attached while pregnant, because you don't know what the outcome will be. Your babies are gorgeous.

Colleen said...

Oh Brooke, you are as beautiful a writer as your husband. I am so glad you are experiencing all these different kinds of love, if anyone deserves it, you do!

Bec's friend Courtney said...

Brooke - We haven't met yet, but I'm one of Bec's (John's girlfriend) friends from grad school. She's kept me posted regarding yours and Joe's entire AMAZING journey, and I met Joe at her birthday bash a few weeks back.

Anyway, I've been reading the blog and have wanted to comment so many times, but thought it would be "weird" since we've yet to meet in person. But I couldn't help myself today!! This entry nearly moved me to tears. You are a very gifted writer; you convey the emotion SO well, even to someone like me who has yet to have children of her own.

I'm rooting for you from Connecticut and can't wait to meet you and the babies down the road!

-Courtney

Christina H. said...

Beautifully put, and that's exactly it. There's no feeling in this world so amazing/scary/wonderful/intense and I'm so happy for you guys to have that. I know personally it also gave me a totally new appreciation for my mom - I just looked at Owen and thought God, this is the way my mom must have felt about me - and I don't think it had ever occured to me before. Like, you know your parents love you, but I don't think you know how much until you have kids (and then it explains so much...so that's why you wanted me to call home all the time :) )

Doris said...

What is also amazing is that the feeling doesn't change with time. I am really enjoying reading the blog and check it everyday for what is new with all of you. Both of you are such good writers! I can't wait to visit with Pam, when things settle a bit, to see those miracles. YES YES...THREE CHEERS FOR BABIES!!

Anonymous said...

And it only gets better and better and better! Lily, Charlie and Annaleigh are sooooooo lucky and blessed to have you as parents.

mrsolsenk12 said...

This is so true and I never fully understood it until I became a mother myself. Your love for your child is just so amazing and strong that it sometimes frightens me. A friend of mine and her husband are going through a second round of adoption. At one of their adoption classes they were asked me make a list of things they couldn't live without. Naturally my friend and their son were on her husbands list. One by one you take things off until you are down to one item that you absoluetly couldn't live without. Who do you think he chose? The son. He loves his wife and would not want to live without her but the love for the child is just that strong. Hold strong little babies, we are all praying for you.

The Home Cook said...

Oh honey...you brought tears to my eyes. I've always heard about this kind of love and while I already love Katie, I know that will change and grown once she's actually here.

((HUGS)) to you and Joe! Can't wait to see you and the babies.

Anonymous said...

You are so right about the love you have for your children. It is amazing...

I can't believe they have been here 5 days already. =)
Daniela

Anonymous said...

Welcome to Motherhood Brooke - the most exhilarating experience ever. Everyone has said it so perfectly. Your love just grows and grows.
I'm so glad you're experiencing these feelings. Magnificent aren't they. Thrive my little loves - Mommy and Daddy love you and need you more than you'll ever know.

All My Love Always, Auntie :) oxoxoxxo

Anonymous said...

Hi Joe and Brooke!

I have been following this blog every day and you know I have been praying for you guys and those adorable babies! I can't believe that I just figured out how to post here. It beats the heck out of my texting abilities (wink). The picture of Charlie with his eyes opening took my breath away. You know, I know that doctors say that babies can only do certain things... but I believe that babies know a lot more and can do a lot more than we give them credit for-- I saw it with my own daughter. I have a feeling those babies WERE saying something to you. You know if you need anything to let me know--- and we're not THAT far from New Brunswick! :)

Cheryl