Monday, February 18, 2013

The End


Brooke
“Every storm runs out of rain.” I heard this quote in a song on the radio while driving home from the gym this morning, and for some reason it inspired me to sit down and finally write this post. After almost four years, Joe and I have decided to end this little blog. What started out as a way for me to pass the time and document my triplet pregnancy morphed into this incredible….experience? I’m not even sure how to accurately describe this blog. Through our darkest days this blog and you, our readers, brought us peace, joy, comfort, support and so much more.  But now, thankfully, that our storm seems to have run out of rain (knock on wood, fingers crossed, etc. etc.) and our lives have become blissfully normal we feel like it’s the best time to wrap up our blog and close this chapter in our lives.

Looking back to the start of this blog, it’s almost hard to believe how different our lives are now. Four years ago we were ordinary. Joe and I both held full-time jobs and owned a house. We got up in the morning and went to work, went to the gym (well one of us went to the gym, lol), came home and made dinner, relaxed in front of the TV. Normal. Then we decided we wanted to have a baby, and everything changed. Or fell apart. Getting pregnant proved was not the easy process that movies and television and led us to believe and we had to turn to fertility treatments. After almost a year of expensive and emotionally draining fertility treatments we finally got pregnant in January 2009 with our third attempt at IVF. Pregnant with triplets. Pregnant with the most complicated triplet pregnancy in the history of the world. (Okay, probably not, but maybe close.) I started having dramatic bleeding episodes when I was just 6 weeks along. Nine weeks into the pregnancy my ovary somehow twisted around my fallopian tube, causing me 11 solid hours of the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life (I was literally begging the doctor to kill me…not my finest moment) before having surgery to remove the ruined organs. At 18 weeks I was put on bed rest for a shortening cervix, and at 21 weeks I was informed by my doctor that bed rest wasn’t helping and the babies would most likely be born, and die, within 2 weeks. Being completely unwilling to accept this fate for the babies we so desperately wanted, we found a doctor who performed cerclages, an operation that would stitch my cervix closed and hopefully keep the babies in.  I know in my heart of hearts that this procedure saved the lives of our babies, and for this I will eternally be grateful to the amazing Dr. Houlihan at St. Peter’s University Hospital for doing what my original doctors had refused to do. 

Anyhow, the cerclage kept the babies in but also gave me a horrific intestinal infection that put me in the hospital for 8 days. I recovered and was sent home for a whopping day and a half, before my water suddenly broke at 24 weeks pregnant. Thankfully, St. Peter’s came to the rescue again and labor was held off for 9 days before Charlie, Annaleigh and Lily made their appearance, each weighing less than 2 lbs and barely clinging to life.  What followed was the most wonderful and awful three months of our lives. Our children were miracles and we loved them more than words could express. But life in the NICU is terrifying – every day brings the chance for something else to go wrong and you spend every second on the edge of panic, no matter how great things are looking. And things started to look pretty great by August, and we started preparing to take our babies home. But as always, the universe had other plans and our beautiful Annaleigh developed NEC and passed away in our arms when she was just 8 weeks old.  Thankfully, Charlie and Lily continued to thrive and after 95 and 99 days in the NICU our surviving babies came home to us. 

(It’s here that I would be completely remiss if I didn’t once again mention the love and extreme gratitude we have for the amazing doctors and nurses in the St. Peter’s NICU. They loved our babies, cared for our babies like they were their own, cheered with us when Charlie and Lily went home, cried with us when Annaleigh died, and made a scary place like the NICU feel like home. Charlie and Lily are alive because of them, and we will never, ever forget any one of the people who made that possible.)
But jumping ahead, looking at Charlie and Lily today you would never know the way their life began. They are happy (really, really happy,) and healthy. They have (at this time, anyway) no long-term complications from their prematurity. They go to preschool, Lily goes to dance class, they ride their bikes, finger paint, play pretend, and sing their little hearts out on a daily basis. They bring me and Joe so much joy that we can only say that every painful second of 2009 was worth it. As for me and Joe, we are no longer the people that we used to be, and that’s not really a bad thing. Personally, our experiences have taught me not to sweat the small stuff – it truly doesn’t matter. Life will knock you down over and over again, and things will never go as you planned, but it can always be worse. It always IS worse for someone, so I’ve learned to buck up, brush off and move forward.  I smile more, relax more and appreciate everything I have. I can say with 100% certainty that I am a much better mother than I ever would have been if our experience had been easier. I appreciate my children in a way that I know I would not have in other circumstances. I understand that every moment is precious and I enjoy them all. I believe that Charlie and Lily deserve to be happy and I will do anything to make that happen. So my inner neat freak has taken a backseat and we spread Play-Doh all over the house. The kids crack the eggs and mix the batter and dump sprinkles all over the kitchen when we bake and I don’t flinch. I’ve given up the thought of a career in order to remain a stay-at-home mom as long as possible – something I never thought I’d want to do but now adore beyond words.  

Now I want to wrap this up with a huge thank you. Thank you to our amazing family. You always know that your family loves you, but you don’t really KNOW until you need them and they are there for you. They are there in so many ways that I can’t even begin to describe them all, but we appreciate each and every one. Our parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles…we would be lost without you. Truly. We love you all so much. Our friends – holy hell do we have amazing friends. Amazing. The support we receive from them over and over is overwhelming and humbling and we are so, so lucky to have you in our lives.  Our mystery benefactor, who continues to send us anonymous monetary gifts on a regular basis…we have no idea who you are, but your anonymous kindness touches our hearts and we are so thankful for your generosity. And finally, our blog readers.  Honestly, all of you helped get us through some of the worst times in our lives. Knowing you were out there pulling for us, praying for our children, smiling with us, crying with us meant the world. When Annaleigh died, the love we felt from all of you really made things bearable. We read each and every comment you made and even printed them all out and had them buried with Annaleigh so she would never forget how loved she was, even though she never left the hospital. You made us feel like her life and death had made an impact on the world, and there are no words to describe how much that meant to us. We will never forget you.

And now I’m sitting here crying, so I think I’ve reached the end. Please keep up with us at www.loveannaleigh.org as we work to support the St. Peter’s NICU and PICU and better the lives of babies, children and families in need.  Until we meet again, friends. 


Joe

My memory is pretty terrible. I know that everyone says that, but I think in my case it's particularly true. I forget names of students that I've had in class for a year (I know rely on "hon" for girls and "bub" for boys). I forget facts that I've known all my life (I used to have an encyclopedic knowledge of baseball, poetry, and 80's trivia; now... not so much). There is a standing rule with Brooke that says that I can remember a shopping list of three items, but if she adds a forth thing, it must be written down (and I'm considering asking to lower that number to two...). In short, I think my brain is lacking something it once had.

And to me, that is what makes this blog so special. It is a window to another time and another life, one in which we had no idea from one minute to the next what was happening and things were so confused and so terrifying. And it is a window into a terrible place that we both never want to forget. And it is a window that shows a slow but real journey from that terrible place to somewhere we doubted we'd ever get to be: somewhere filled with happiness, and laughter, and lots and lots of love.

Before the kids were born and Brooke was in the hospital, it became my job to update this blog, which, at the time, was with the sole intent of keeping our family and immediate friends informed of what's going on. We knew that we'd have a difficult time keeping those to whom we were close "in the loop" once the babies arrived, and this blog was our means of doing so. But as Brooke had more and more complications and the babies came so early, the part of human nature that draws people to tragedy took over and we found ourselves with a readership that grew well beyond that small circle to one that extended across the world. I had no idea that people whom we'd never met would care about us, but it because apparent pretty early on that so many complete strangers did care and did feel a connection to our little family.

I have vague memories of spending our days at St. Peters with the tiny versions of our babies, only to come home exhausted and drained and emotional, and then sitting down for another hour or so to write a blog post and upload pictures, knowing that if I didn't we'd get so many messages of worry.

We were so committed to this blog that we updated it less than an hour after Annaleigh died. Even my terrible memory hasn't forgotten that day. We said goodbye to her, called our parents, and then went back to the little room at the hospital to write a blog post. To me, it was almost not real until that we'd written that update.

More than anything else, what I remember feeling was the support given to us by our readers when that happened. The hundreds of messages we received, the random donations people sent to help pay for the funeral expenses, and the general out-pouring of love... to say that those things have stayed with us in the three-and-a-half years since doesn't do justice to how amazing it was.

When Charlie and Lily came home and got stronger and healthier, my role as blog-updater lessened (and eventually ended), but that doesn't mean that it stopped mattering to me. Quite the opposite, actually. I found myself going back, almost every day, to older posts, posts from the year before, just to see what we were doing and what was in our heads. Charlie and Lily were growing and excelling and it became very easy to "forget" what they'd been through-- not because it wasn't traumatic, but because they were becoming "normal." And this normalcy is what we'd craved for them since the beginning.

With the way my memory has shut down, I take so much comfort in knowing that I will have these blog posts to go back to for the rest of my life. The chronicle of those days is one that is filled with love and fear and hope and frustration and sorrow and joy and... every emotion a person can experience. Not too many people can say that there exists such a detailed record of the best and worst days of their lives. The shock of those first days in the NICU, the monotony of the days, the heartbreak of losing our Annaleigh, the joy of Charlie's and Lily's homecomings, the amazement of watching them grow... it's all here for us. So as the busy days go by and the world moves on, this record becomes more and more important, for it is a small but powerful window into our past.

I feel almost hypocritical writing a "goodbye" blog post when it has been so long since I've written anything for this blog. The right to say "goodbye" should be Brooke's and Brooke's alone, because she is the one who has continued it for the last three years; she's the one who is responsible for this awesome history of our family, this thing that we will have forever to remember the details of our lives long after the details are forgotten. And for that (and for many, many other things), I am eternally grateful to her.

Thanks for the memories.

47 comments:

Tracey's Life said...

Wow, just.wow! So beautiful and written from the heart. Hugs to you all.

Jill Wolff said...

.....as tears fall down my cheeks all I want to do is hug you all after reading this. I remember every bit of so much that I shared with you both! Being there when you walked out of the Dr.s office holding a sonogram of THREE babies and Joe's unbridled joy and surprise. All of the time spent with you Brooke, going through this while we were at work and talking fertility lingo!!! All the joys of early pregnancy together and all the tragic loss and disappointment at other times.. Both of you inspire me to be the best parent I can be and treasure what I have. Annaleighs' picture is still and will always be with me. Brooke and Joe (Charlie and Lily) you all deserve every happiness life can offer. I feel blessed to know you and to have these memories with you. I feel honored to call you friends. Someday when Maya is old enough I will give her the metal that I wore around my neck throughout my pregnancy from Nana and explain to her all the special love that came from it. I love you all so much~

Stephanie said...

I have followed your story since back on the cooking board when I followed your cooking blog. I can still remember where I was the moment I read about Annaleigh- I was leaving the movies with my husband and I went onto my phone in the parking lot to check your blog to see how she was, and I cried there in the parking lot as I read your words. Thank you for taking us along on the best and worst times in your life. I am so happy for all of you and the happiness you now have, and thank you for sharing it all with us!

Michelle said...

It has been a while since I have read your blog. Going through my own infertility journey caused me so much pain that I couldn't read blogs of people with kids. (How sad is that!)But for some reason today, I googled your names and saw this on your blog. I kept up with your blog in 2009 when you were pregnant, when you gave birth and when Annaleigh passed away. I sat on my couch crying. It wasn't fair but you two handled it with such grace. Your tributes to her were beautiful and I enjoyed reading about how much love you poured onto Charlie and Lily.
I hope the next phase of your life is uneventful but filled with joyous family memories. Thank you for sharing your lives with us. I will continue to pray for you all and hope that your kids continue to grow in health and happiness!

Wifey said...

I've read this blog from the beginning and I've never commented but I felt I needed to say thank you for letting me into your lives, watching Charlie and Lily grow and mourn for Annaleigh. I struggled from 2008 to 2011 with infertility and felt joy seeing such a deserving family get to have the love of children. I will definitely miss seeing those wonderful children grow up but I wish the best of everything for your entire family!

Shelby said...

Good luck to your cute little family! I've followed you since your pregnancy and cried many tears for you and your babies over the years. Since I started following you I've had twins myself and they are almost 3 years old. it seems like yesterday but the years stack up quite quickly! I pray for Charlie and Lily and hope they continue to thrive!

Jenn said...

You are amazing people. I am so lucky to be able to call you my friends. You truly are two of the strongest people I have ever met and I continually am in awe of it. Even though this blog is ending your journey will continue to inspire others. Love you all! And Owen says hi too!

Janet said...

What a journey you have endured. You have shared the most intimate and precious moments of your lives and I feel like I know you and your family. I will certainly miss keeping up with how Charlie and Lily are growing up! Your beautiful Annaleigh will continue to pass through my mind and I will think of all of you. Brooke and Joe...you are amazing parents. You have made sacrifices to be amazing. Your children are lucky to have you both leading the way, and lucky enough to have you as you watch them continue on their journey. Best of luck to your family and thank you for sharing your lives with all of us <3

Tanya said...

I've loved reading your blog and have followed along since the babies were born :)

My twin nephews were born at 24 weeks. 1 lb 14oz and 2 lbs 1 oz. I started a blog for people to follow their story :)

They are turing 6 in May! beautiful happpy healthy boys.

I being the Mom of 5 kids stopped writing the blog for my nephews when they came home after 145 days in the NICU.

Thanks for keeping your blog going for all these years.

Enjoy your amazing family :)

Tanya

Jenn in FL said...

Brooke and Joe,
You don't know me, but I have been following your blog for the past three years. I came across your story through an infertility message board when Charlie, Lily, and Annaleigh were just a few days old. My heart broke for you when Annaleigh passed, and your strength through that time and beyond has amazed me. I've never been one to comment much on blogs, but I wanted to let you know just how much your blog has meant to me over these years. I too had a multiples (twin) pregnancy that was fraught with problems, and my son and daughter spent over 5 weeks in the NICU. Following your story and knowing about your NICU experience really helped us through those scary days. Seeing updates on Charlie and Lily's developmental progress gave me a lot of hope that our babies would also be fine (and they are--huge, healthy, and very happy almost two year olds). Reading about the outings and activities you guys do has encouraged me as a stay-at-home mom (including putting that inner neat freak on the back burner :) ). I hope getting a comment from a random internet blog reader isn't too strange, but I wanted to let you know how inspiring and helpful your blog has been! I'm sad to see it end, but I wish your family a wonderful and joy-filled future. Thanks again for sharing your story.

Jessica said...

Brooke and Joe,

We've never met and are not likely to cross paths, but I have been following your story from back when Brooke just had a food blog. (The chicken cordon bleu casserole she posted many many years ago has been made for my family many times!) Then when she shared the news of her pregnancy and this blog, I began following along with this too. I prayed and thought of you often during that most trying of times, and sobbed when I read that Annaleigh had left this world. I have so loved following along as your beautiful babies have grown and thrived. I'm sad that the updates have come to an end, but I wish you and Charlie and Lily endless good health and happiness for many years to come!

Anonymous said...

God Bless you all. You were one of my first blogs I have ever followed. And I have prayed for you every step of the way. I cried with you and cheered with you although we have never met your family will alaways have a special place in my heart. When I ses a butterfly I think of your family. Three Cheers and many blessings..

Steph P said...

I don't even remember how I stumbled into your blog years ago, when it was linked to another I followed. I just have to say that your two are the best proof I've ever seen that preemies can thrive and totally make up for their difficult beginnings. I also have never seen parents who enjoyed their children more. Thank you for sharing when you obviously didn't have to. You've been and continue to be a total inspiration.

Jennifer said...

Thank you for sharing your story of your beautiful children with us, as a fellow preemie mom, your story gave me inspiration to keep fighting for my children, in my darkest days in the NICU. I'm sad to see this blog end, but I'm so happy to see that both Charlie and Lily are thriving with lovely parents. All the best in the future!

The Mommy said...

I haven't commented in quite awhile but I've been reading your updates periodically. While I'm sad to see the blog end, I'm so happy that your life has become filled to the brink with the love you show your children and each other.

I started crocheting preemie hats and blankets for the NICU as a direct result of reading this blog. I even sent the first batch to St. Peters in memory of your sweet angel. I'm grateful for the inspiration and I wanted you to know I still crochet them (I send them locally now) when I have time (I'm training for my first half marathon, so notsomuch right now).

Blessings to all of you.

Andrea said...

I "knew" you from What's Cooking way back when and have followed your blog very closely. My daughter is very close in age to your kids and it was always fun seeing what they were up to and watching them grow. So many times I cried while reading this blog, and your last post is no exception. I will miss "seeing" your family and wish you guys the best of luck. You have been through SO much and you have always mantained such a positive attitude and had a smile on your face. You guys are such an inspiration! God Bless!

Stephanie said...

Brooke & Joe: I have read your blog since you started it. (I'm "huskerchica" from the bump) Brooke, I remember hearing about your struggles on the message boards. I was right there with you going through the same thing. We both got pregnant around the same time and had pretty close due dates. I was pregnant with twins. I remember the day I found out your water broke. I ached for you and prayed everything would be okay. I have read your blog and posts religiously since then. I was pregnant with my twins when I heard of your problems. At 30 weeks, my water broke. 30 is nothing compared to your 24, but still it was very scary. My 3 lb babies were in the NICU the same time yours were. I still remember hearing about your precious Annaleigh. I read the post that she wouldn't likely make and that she was dying. I read this post while in our NICU and with my babies. I cried right there at that computer and I prayed for you guys. I still remember going back to my NICU room and having the nurse ask me what was wrong. I told them about your story and I just completly broke down. That night I hugged my babies and loved them more than anything. I kept checking back to your blog to see if any updates would be posted. When Joe did his update, I cried right there with you guys. Since then I have continued to read your blog. I laugh and cry with you guys a lot. Thankfully my twins made it home okay and are now healthy (crazy!) 3 1/2 year olds. I've loved reading your stories and seeing our kids grow up around the same ages. God bless you and your family! Please know you have made a difference in my life. Wishing you all nothing but the very best! -Stephanie

Anonymous said...

Although we never met, living a few towns away from you made me feel like I knew you. A friend of mine told about your blog when MY water broke at 24 weeks in the fall of 2011. Since that time, I have followed your bog and looked at your beautiful children as inspiration for my premature daughter. Maybe I will run into you at the Hamilton Marketplace one day - LOL! I promise not to be a crazy stalker!!!! Thank you for sharing your world with me and helping me to see the light at the end of the "premature" baby tunnel. My daughter, now 2 years old, is my beautiful little angel! I will miss checking up on your family! I wish you all the best!

NEWmommy said...

You guys are such amazing parents! I'm not going to lie, this post brought me back to our days in the nicu too. Such a hard time. I am sad you are saying goodbye, but so happy that your family is doing so well. Good luck with everything!

Try Vermont First said...

Oh I am so sad by this!

I am not sure how/when I first found your blog.... possibly through thenest.com?

I don't have the right words tonight to tell you how much I have enjoyed watching your kids grow, and offered prayers for Annaleigh.

So from one blogging mom to another.... thanks for sharing your story and your kiddos. Enjoy it all. Life with little kids is short and SO special!

Be well cyber friends!

:) Honi in Vermont
www.facebook.com/tryvermontfirst

Anonymous said...

You do not know me but I have been following your blog since shortly after Annaleigh's death. I felt a connection because my son also died of NEC in the summer of 2009. My heart absolutely broke for you all over your loss. I continued to follow the blog over the years because I just loved how much Charlie and Lily continued to flourish. They are such adorable little people and I will miss seeing new pictures of them and hearing of their antics. I wish you all the best!

sue said...

I too have followed this blog from the beginning...coming over from "and a cookie for dessert". I followed this blog through Brooke's pregnancy and the birth of the babies, then cried with you when Annaleigh passed. And I've loved reading every post that allowed us to watch Lily and Charlie grow into the happy, healthy children that they are today. Miracles do happen!
I'm sorry to see the blog end, but certainly understand your need to move on. I wish you all a lifetime of love and happiness. All the best to you.

Ann said...

Thank you for sharing your family's story, and allowing your readers to see your amazing little ones grow into such beautiful little people! Your family seems so full of joy, and I wish you all the best!

Bren said...

I am sad about this!

Anonymous said...

As tears stream down my face, all i can say is that you and your wonderful family will be terribly missed by all. It's been a pleasure reading , and seeing all the updates and pictures, and i hope for the very best in each and everyone of your lives and hearts. You will be missed dearly.

heather @ hrmcbubbby@videotron.ca

JoLynn said...

I have followed your blog since the kids were born. I'm not even sure how I stumbled on it but I did and then I was hooked. We, too, had a NICU journey. Not as extensive as yours but we have multiples and somehow being a NICU graduate seems to bond you together forever with something unspoken. I remember the day that Annaleigh died, tears running down my face as I read the update on my laptop and said "Noooo." My heart ached for you.

On the other side, I understand letting go and moving on. I celebrate your "normal!" It's a beautiful thing!

Keren said...

I found your blog about 2 years ago when I was Googling 'NEC'. My daughter, Lily, was only 2 weeks old and was fighting NEC. I smiled when I clicked on your blog and saw pictures of your smiling happy Lily. I ended up going back and reading your blog from the beginning and haven't stopped.

Good luck with everything and thank you for sharing.

Unknown said...

Any chance you'd be willing to leave the blog open, and just post an update once every few months? :)

Bren said...

Any chance you'd be willing to leave this blog open and just post an update every few months or so? :)

RNmom said...

I've "known" you since your What's Cooking board days pre-pregnancy. I remember asking you when you were complaining about symptoms if you were pregnant and you said no way and you were ha! I remember your pregnancy issues and maybe you already knew about this procedure by then, but I remember asking you if you were going to get a cerclage. I remember when your water broke and when your babies were born. I remember when Annaleigh passed away . . .still breaks my heart. I think of her whenever I see a butterfly. I'm so glad that you and your family are doing well and that Lily and Charlie are doing so well. They are soo adorable! You all have had a remarkable journey and you still have a great journey ahead. Take care and I will never forget you or your family. ~Laura

fati said...

When you first have a baby your life doesn't change. I mean, you have a little less sleep and you drag these cuddly things around you and it's just amazing. But you still get to be you. Once they get to, like, five, six and school and it starts to get, like, 'Wow, they got real problems. They're my responsibility.' Oh my God. That is overwhelming.
http://having-a-baby101.blogspot.com

fati said...

A baby is God's opinion that life should go on.
http://having-a-baby101.blogspot.com


Kittybits said...

thank you for allowing us to come on this journey with you. I wish you all the best for the future!
~ kittybits21 from WC/thenest

Jennifer said...

I'm sad to see your blog go. When I was going through a scary twin pregnancy in 2009, I found your blog. It was a great source of comfort and information knowing I was not alone..thank you for that. You guys are great, best wishes!

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Gill said...

Thank you for sharing your journey with us, it was amazing to see how you have handled it as a family. Take care

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http://freehost.gb.net/read_blog/27038/the-strangers-full-movie-how-to-safely-download-movies-online
http://www.iskcon.us/blogs/85472/129785/download-iron-man-full-movie
http://1msg.mobi/blogs/96560/156041/download-iron-man-full-movie
http://beta.truck.net/blogs/306617/334437/free-full-movie-downloads-full
http://yodaq.com/blogs/13948/11518/free-full-movie-downloads-full

Anonymous said...

Your story has inspired so many, the love you and joe have is truely amazing, what could have tore you apart has only made you stronger. I always wondered how you all were doing and now I know you are loved, you are happy and you have found peace and that is a wonderful ending to two of the most loving people.

jogara jumawan said...

So lovely family! Many people inspires you and me as well :)
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Monique said...

I am so sorry to read about your story, but remember that any pain makes us stronger

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My Pregnancy Supersite said...

What a great story... I will share no doudt..

Anonymous said...

hello
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Yasmeen Elsayed said...

thanks

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